Update: I relapsed on March 15, 2025.

I made it 229 days before I crumbled to temptation. Not my longest period of sobriety, nor the shortest.

As usual, I fooled myself, thinking I could manage my intake. Keep it casual.

But that’s not how I operate. Not with my addictive personality.

I’m all in. Or not.

So, I caved. And, then, I chroniced.

I suppose I should give myself some grace. Things have been ‘challenging’ since my dad suffered two strokes. 

But that’s why I started practicing Stoicism. To control myself when life spins out of control. To master my impulses and strengthen my discipline.

And to trust that I can pick myself up after falling down.

That’s where I am now: I’m starting over.

I quit smoking weed—again—on June 10 (ten days ago as of this update).

Let’s hope the lesson is sticky-icky this time.

~

He’s not Willie Nelson. Not Snoop Dogg or Seth Rogen (hehehe). No, he’s not a success story known for smoking weed and getting shit done.

He’s part of the stereotype—an unambitious, lazy stoner.

Suppose that’s not completely true. He does what he must, when he must. But he’d be much further ahead without it.

He was 15 when he first gave the green a go. He didn’t get high. Or, at least, he didn’t feel much different. So he tried it again a few days later. It did a lot that time. He didn’t care for it.

He didn’t try it again until weeks later, once he realized how many people smoked weed. From celebrities  and professionals to family members and friends.

The third time he toked up… Well, you know what they say about the third time.

THC: totally hooked on cannabis

Some say weed isn’t addictive. And they’d be right, if you’re comparing it to alcohol or tobacco, prescription pills or hard drugs.

Still, weed is sticky-icky. And it’s stuck to him like super glue. Because he has an addictive personality. If he likes something, he likes it a lot. Moderation isn’t in his vocabulary.

The crux of it: he just likes smoking weed. The ritual:

• The busting, rolling, lighting
• The sound of paper burning slowly
• the red glow of the ‘cherry’
• The inhale
• The hold
• The exhale

Even flicking the ash has its appeal.

Plus, weed used to make him feel creative, inspired. Used to make him laugh and feel carefree. It used to be fun.

Now, it makes him depressed, reminding him of all he’s capable of but not living up to.

Weed makes him feel anxious, at times, makes him overthink. It suppresses his appetite—and he’s far too skinny not to eat properly.

It sucks every ounce of motivation from his soul and drains his bank account, as well.

But the odd time, it’s still enjoyable. Especially after an extended break (he’s quit more times than he can count). Guess that’s what keeps him coming back, keeps him chasing the friendly, green dragon.

Yet, he’s come to realize there’s a cost. One he’s no longer willing to pay.

He’s finally accepted that he’s not capable of smoking weed and living his best life. It’s one or the other. To do both is a fisherman’s pipe dream.

Cutting the grass: a fight for life

As he nears the fourth decade of his life, he’s committing to quitting.

Time is running out to achieve all he wants to achieve. Because the only guarantee in life is death. It may come today, tomorrow, or another 40 years from now—memento mori.

And when The Reaper comes calling, he wants to be free of regrets.

Of course, he knows it won’t be easy.

Smoking weed is an addiction he’ll fight for the rest of his life. Every day offers an excuse, whether it’s to numb mental and physical pain, or because he has the day off work and doesn’t know how to relax without it.

But if it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth doing. The obstacle is the way.

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

He wants to see and feel things as they are, without a filter. He wants to breathe in life, fully and cleanly. He wants clarity and accountability.

That’s why he’s sharing his weakness with the world. With you.

And he wants to remind you that addictions aren’t just for drugs.

For some, it’s food. Others, it’s sex. It takes the form of bingeing television and doom scrolling social media. Emotions can be addictive, too—anger is so powerful it feels good, temporarily.

He wants others to know they’re not alone. Their addictions might be different, their demons may differ. But the struggle is the same, what it takes is the same. Life.

That said, the reward for winning the battle is also the same. Life.

• A life free of the shame of addiction
• A life without a clouded mind
• A life lived on your own terms

Here’s to life: under construction.